“Are you having a microwave day or a stovetop day?” — Erica Betz
It’s a bummer when you’re having a microwave day but your responsibilities demand a stovetop day.
Categories
Tag: self kindness
Social anxiety is getting in the way of the relationships this person wants to have.
Confidence comes out of a feeling of belonging.
“[S]ounds like the strain of someone waiting on a permission to be that hasn’t yet been offered.”
A year seems like a lot of time now at this end—it isn’t. It took me three years to reclaim my full flow. Don’t lose your sense of urgency on the one hand, on the other, don’t be too hard on yourself—or expect too much.
Beware the terror of not producing.
Watch out for the kitchen sink and the plumbing and that painting that always needed being done. But remember the body needs to create too.
Beware feeling you’re not good enough to deserve it.
Beware feeling you’re too good to need it.
Beware all the hatred you’ve stored up inside you, and the locks on your tender places.
— Audre Lorde, letter to Pat Parker in Sister Love: The Letters of Audre Lorde and Pat Parker 1974-1989, via Aminatou Sow’s Creme de la Creme
If you’re looking for a clean slate for the new year, go beyond decluttering to purge your home of regret, guilt, shame, and overwhelm and create more space for joy in the year to come.
Guilt, shame, anxiety, regret: these emotions can take up residence in our homes without us realizing. And while all emotions have a purpose, dwelling on (or with) them when we’re not actively processing them can weigh us down. This is because when triggers for difficult emotions are present in our space, it’s impossible to escape their influence.
Guilt arises out of things that we feel we should do, but haven’t done for one reason or another. I have a tendency to leave things out to remind myself to do them… Guilt can also come from self-betrayal: when you violate your commitments to yourself.
Where to look for guilt in your home:
- Unfinished projects
- Items related to hobbies or habits you haven’t made time for
- Things you bought but never used
- The pile of books to read that you’ve lost interest in
- Gifts you feel like you should keep, but don’t actually like
A major source of regret is spending. If you’ve spent money on something you don’t use, or you’ve overspent, the item can feel like a reminder of lack of self-control or foolishness.
Where to look for regret in your home:
- Things you overspent on, but no longer love
- Things that remind you of choices or hurts that you’re struggling to leave behind
Anywhere where our true selves rub up against the judgments of others, be they family or society, can be a place where shame might creep in. The closet, the bathroom, or the kitchen — places related to the body — are especially prone to being sources of shame.
Where to look for shame in your home:
- “Skinny clothes”
- Clothes you don’t like but feel you need to wear to look “presentable”
- Books, music, or other media that you feel you should like but don’t actually enjoy
If you look around your home and feel overwhelmed, it may be because you have a lot of things in your home that are demanding your attention… each of these is a reminder of an action you need to take… Overwhelm can also come from broken systems.
Where to look for overwhelm in your home:
- Piles that need to be sorted
- Broken things
- Things in need of maintenance
- Places where you repeatedly notice a sense of frustration or friction
- Organizational systems that aren’t working well
Anything that makes you feel on your guard can aggravate anxiety.
Where to look for anxiety in your home:
- Things that are uneven or wobbly
- Awkward things that don’t quite fit or feel uncomfortable to use
- Things that jangle your senses with unpleasant noises or textures
- Sharp edges that you have to be careful around
- Fragile things you’re always worried about breaking
- Formal decor that you worry about messing up
I’m a very mise en place / out of sight is out of mind person, and I do tend to leave things out as reminders for myself. But that’s not in keeping with the kanban method I also try to practice of picking your next work and keeping all my to-do’s in one spot. I used to have a “project shelf” in the garage but stopped putting stuff in there after we had some water and mouse problems — but I think I need to reinstate it, perhaps in a new home.
Right now I’m trying to address the overwhelm factor – and also the equity of housework – by not doing all the little stuff that needs doing myself, but instead making a list that DH and I each spend ten minutes twice a week knocking out. This is in contrast to Gretchen Rubin’s rule that if it takes less than two minutes you should just do it right away — because I can easily blow half an hour doing these little tasks and then feel resentful that I did extra housework when I already do the lion’s share, even discounting cooking time. I still deal with a lot of things immediately to prevent task buildup, but hold off on things like refilling the olive oil ewer and hand soap when it’s low.
Categories
Self Care Memes
What if it didn’t matter how productive you were today?
In this episode, I take a deep dive into a concept that I call “tender discipline,” which is the practice of taking a gentler attitude toward your productivity.
- Cognitive momentum – both directly after a task (leave a little buffer between tasks so you can keep thinking) and from day to day
- List of things that make you feel good
- Visually track progress and mood together
- Recover from burnout by being more in the body and less in the mind
- Take 3-4 days off of any input (reading, listening to podcasts, watching), and do journaling to see what thoughts arise
Categories
Reading Counts
Just crossed 450 books read
The result of Consistency, Focus, Patience, Persistence & deep reading over 10 yrs
The journey started w/ my desire to escape poverty by taking my education into my own hands
Each Decade adds a Column
Thread: 45 lessons on Becoming a (Better) Reader
My first thought on seeing this was that I’ve read twice as many books – not to downplay his accomplishment but to think oh maybe I should also pat myself on the back – but then my next thought was that a lot of people probably wouldn’t be impressed by my romance- and SFF- dominated reading list. But screw that, I don’t need to shit on myself, I can be proud of myself as well as impressed by the more non-fic-weighted list he’s read. (Especially his goal of reading his way out of poverty is awesome.) My key interests in reading (besides enjoyment) are storytelling and emotional growth, so it makes sense that I read more fiction.
From 2011 through today, I’ve read 1,145 books. Go me! I’ll probably get in another 10 by the end of the year.
But I’ve read so many books because reading fiction is my preferred mode of leisure, and I don’t enjoy much TV. I also have the time and energy to read long form fiction, which I know can be challenging for parents and caregivers.
Only counting books read feels good for book readers but is maybe a little silly, most people are reading a lot of words, just in different formats: tweets and facebook posts, articles and blog posts, newsletters and emails. No need for people who don’t enjoy or have the time for long form reading to feel bad about themselves for not “being well read.” (And in fact I don’t really consider myself “well read” because I consider a lot of “literature” to be shitty and full of bad takes and not worth the time so I don’t read it anymore.) We should read what we want (while recognizing the value in reading some things that challenge us).
I think, more than the number of books he’s read, I’m more impressed by the thought he’s put into classifying his types of reading.
I also like his idea about reading different books in different physical locations. I tend to read novels in bed, and art books, comics and cookbooks on the couch since they’re easier to read sitting up. But hadn’t thought about using the locational cue to help in memory for non-fiction.